[She puts her hands behind her head, sighs some herself.]
That's not an easy question. There's a difference, for instance, between most despair-inducing absence and joy-producing presence.
The former is probably Eridan and the latter - actually Haruka Takahashi now that I think of it, but you presumably don't know her and towards the end of her stay I discovered that might not even have been her real name. So when I put you at the top it was sort of by the combination of those criteria.
Do you feel the same way? That there are some individuals who you just miss keenly out of inertia, while others had highly likeable traits but would be happier elsewhere.
Why would you be obliged to like him? Most of the other trolls hated him, from what I heard; you could do that too! You don't need to be so damned self-sacrificing all the time, Kanaya.
It doesn't matter now, though. He was sent back almost as soon as I found out about what he really did. He lied to me over and over out of concern for nothing but his own safety... and maybe my happiness, I guess. Said the same things as you do about my self-sacrificial nature, and I figure you assume that sort of thing makes me miserable.
I don't know. But how much would it matter if it did? Whenever I want something and try to get it by force - hatching the orb, blood, whatever - it's shot down. So the main alternative is satisfaction derived from others anyway.
That kept happening to people... I've never really understood that. It seemed like I somehow had worse experience with humans compared to everyone else.
[The bartender will oblige!!! And Kanaya will let the bartender oblige, honestly. She's remembering Roxy.]
Sometimes... sometimes I really wonder if the happiness available centuries ahead of us is actually determined primarily by the results of some shoddy decisions made at the age of six sweeps.
How do we know what's shoddy and what isn't? That's the thing. I'm almost twenty-five years old now and I'm still not sure if I'm making the right choices with some stuff.
[the alcohol is loosening her up a bit; she's saying things and asking questions that she'd normally be more guarded around, considering how long it's been since she's seen Kanaya]
There was a guy. Is a guy, even though I pretend it's all in the past tense. I haven't seen him since I was fifteen, but...
[Glances over. She hadn't expected that... presumably not Tavros?]
Hey, that applies to most of our team, and the way you say that makes it seem like you knew him since thirteen. It doesn't matter where or when you met. [Is she contradicting herself? Yes. She hadn't gone into this conversation with a prepared platform. Lapsing back into patterns of providing narcissistic supply.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:03 am (UTC)That's not an easy question. There's a difference, for instance, between most despair-inducing absence and joy-producing presence.
The former is probably Eridan and the latter - actually Haruka Takahashi now that I think of it, but you presumably don't know her and towards the end of her stay I discovered that might not even have been her real name. So when I put you at the top it was sort of by the combination of those criteria.
Do you feel the same way? That there are some individuals who you just miss keenly out of inertia, while others had highly likeable traits but would be happier elsewhere.
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Date: 2013-06-03 07:05 am (UTC)... I guess I might have some people like that, though. It's pretty divorced from my rankings of who I miss the most, though.
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Date: 2013-06-03 07:09 am (UTC)Anyone you miss particularly besides Tavros and myself?
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Date: 2013-06-03 07:14 am (UTC)So he betrayed you, but you said you don't care about him destroying the matriorb. That doesn't add up.
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Date: 2013-06-03 07:17 am (UTC)He's just got that destructive potential, you know, and frankly I'd rather he stay dead if... if...
You're just not as hopelessly dangerous, you know? That's why I like you on your merits more than out of obligation.
no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:25 am (UTC)It doesn't matter now, though. He was sent back almost as soon as I found out about what he really did. He lied to me over and over out of concern for nothing but his own safety... and maybe my happiness, I guess. Said the same things as you do about my self-sacrificial nature, and I figure you assume that sort of thing makes me miserable.
no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:30 am (UTC)I don't know. But how much would it matter if it did? Whenever I want something and try to get it by force - hatching the orb, blood, whatever - it's shot down. So the main alternative is satisfaction derived from others anyway.
no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:40 am (UTC)[She wishes the conversation weren't directed on herself but can't figure out how to fix that]
It's a remmant of my resentment about giving up our dialect, really. That was probably easier for you as a highblood.
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Date: 2013-06-03 07:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:46 am (UTC)-- Hey, bartender! I definitely want that scotch right now. How about it?
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Date: 2013-06-03 07:55 am (UTC)Sometimes... sometimes I really wonder if the happiness available centuries ahead of us is actually determined primarily by the results of some shoddy decisions made at the age of six sweeps.
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Date: 2013-06-03 07:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 07:58 am (UTC)That's a good point.
[She takes out some of her marques and sifts through them - they're iron coins.] What's reasonable...
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Date: 2013-06-03 08:00 am (UTC)There was a guy. Is a guy, even though I pretend it's all in the past tense. I haven't seen him since I was fifteen, but...
no subject
Date: 2013-06-03 08:07 am (UTC)Hey, that applies to most of our team, and the way you say that makes it seem like you knew him since thirteen. It doesn't matter where or when you met. [Is she contradicting herself? Yes. She hadn't gone into this conversation with a prepared platform. Lapsing back into patterns of providing narcissistic supply.]
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Date: 2013-06-03 08:10 am (UTC)And it matters.
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From:in which I start getting too tired to proofread
Date: 2013-06-03 07:05 am (UTC)... I guess I might have some people like that, though. But it's pretty divorced from my rankings of who I miss the most.